My History teacher is, at present, engrossed in an effort to indoctrinate the whole school with Cold War propaganda.

It all started when he was trying to find “educational materials” for his year 11 History class — that is, my class. He found a great archive of “social guidance” films, produced in the 1950s to guide young, responsible Americans. With such titles as How to be a Good Citizen at School and How Quiet is Beneficial in the Classroom1, he just knew this was something his year 11 History class should see. And, hey, why stop there? The connection between these films and the Cold War was pretty strong, but he was sure there was a connection between them and the American Revolution (duh, America!), and another one between them and year 8 English (after all, what language are the films in?). He downloaded as many as his laptop would fit, and then he probably cackled evilly as he thought about how he was going to put his master plan in action. It sounds like something he’d do.

Of course, as the Cold War class, it was my class which was subjected to this propaganda first. Last Tuesday, after recess, we settled in our usual spots around the classroom and, as usual, demanded that our teacher tell us what we’d be doing that day.

“We’re going to be watching movies,” he said.

“Oh, OK,” we answered, but after a moment’s consideration… “Wait, movies? As in movie-movies? You’re letting us watch movies?”

“It’s not that Yes, Prime Minister crap again, is it sir?”

“No no no! These are good movies! You’ll love them!”

And so the first video was played…

Oh my! Danger! Bert ducks and covers

Initially, our class was just a bit sceptical of the use of smashing your head against a wall in the event of a nuclear explosion. However, the role model of Bert the Turtle, and that strangely catchy song, soon helped to change our minds. Before long, our class was totally sure that if we ever saw a flash, we must ram our heads into the nearest brick building, cover our arms with the nearest soggy discarded newspaper, and give away our bikes to the nearest Civil Defense worker. And we were not alone. Year 12 History agreed with us. So did 7B English. However, the most enthusiastic class was by far 8A English — upon walking to their lockers after class, what should they see through the window but the sun? And how should they have reacted but:

“Oh no! Look guys, there’s the flash! You know what we gotta do — DUCK AND COVER!!!”

Their coordinator was not impressed, I can tell you that much.

However, my History teacher’s master plan was not yet completed. You see, he only actually taught four classes, and four classes was clearly not good enough. He had to educate the WHOLE SCHOOL! This is where he started bribing the other teachers to show these films. “Hey, identical twin2, can you show that year 11 Psych class you’re covering this film of great importance?”

“But I want to show them this film about what happens when you eat bad yoghurt…”

“Oh, OK, OK. No pressure. No pressure at all. I just want to make sure they know what happens when the bomb falls, that’s all. But if you don’t, then you know, that’s your choice.”

I suspect my History teacher has been receiving a lot of funny looks recently.

However, this begs the obvious question — what is my teacher actually planning to do after indoctrinating all the students? I was predicting that it was so he could pull off a huge stunt at the next school assembly, shining a torch into the students’ eyes and making them all duck and cover. I was then informed that this would be a great way to get him fired, and did I really want yet another new History teacher3? I didn’t think this kind of stunt would result in being fired, more like being the recipient of a (very) stern talking-to, but I guessed they had a point. He probably doesn’t want the principal to know about his master plan. I guess I’ll just have to wait until next term to see what the purpose of all of this was…

  1. Note: I do not remember the exact title of this film, but that’s close enough [↩]
  2. My History teacher and another teacher look almost exactly the same, but the History teacher is ~Canadian~ and the other teacher is ~not~. Oh yeah, and the History teacher’s stubble on his head is darker than the other one’s. That’s how you tell them apart without speaking to them. [↩]
  3. We go through them fast at my school — this guy is the fourth in a one-year period… [↩]